claudiajean's Diaryland Diary

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On Such a Winter's Day- WW

She didn’t like to think about the end of the administration’s run. She didn’t like to think about how they would all drift apart, and only talk to each other during the holidays. She didn’t like to think how any job would be excruciatingly boring after this one. The President would go back to New Hampshire with his wife and live in his house and write a book and do harmless fundraisers like every President before him. After a while, Abbey would want to become politically active, having acquired a tastes for it, and he would follow her over the country with his complete support like many of the Presidents before him.

Josh and Sam would stick together, and sometimes that was enough to make her smile. Really, they were nothing without each other, and they would push somebody new into the white house, after enough time had passed. If Donna was smart, she would go and never look back, but everyone knew she would stick with Josh, if only to keep him out of trouble.

Leo would retire. If he didn’t, he’d have a stress related heart attack and die, so he would retire. Maybe he would try to talk to his ex-wife and daughter. Maybe not. As long as he didn’t start drinking again, he would be just fine, of that, she was sure.

Toby would go back to New York and spends hours at the Yankee’s stadium to make up for lost time, and he would buy real hot dogs from real vendors and he would stand in times square and he would see a Broadway show, even though he hated the things, and he would go to his very own synagogue, and he would go to Ellis Island for the first time in years and he would be home.

She would go back to California. She knew that coming in and had yet to change her mind. She loved Washington D.C. and she loved what went on there. She loved how she was the public face of the federal government and how as long as she remembered that time in her life, she could be at home. She loved how all the museums were free of charge, and how you could drive through six states in one day, but she would go back to California and spend at least a year living there before she came crawling back to the east coast. But so much could happen in a year, and she wanted to keep her friends.

“I need five minutes of the presidents time.” she told Mrs. Landingham, and the older woman looked skeptical.

“why?”

“Because... well, it’s nothing important, I just want to tell him something personal about myself.” she said, resisting the urge to rub her toe into the carpet.

“I’ll see what I can do.” Mrs. Landingham smiled at her and didn’t make one crack. Nodding curtly, trying to regain some dignity, she walked briskly away to finish preparing for her last briefing of the week.

It was three o’clock in the morning when she picked up her briefcase and headed towards home for the weekend, the first weekend in months that they didn’t have to come in, the weekend she planed to clean her house and restock her refrigerator, because all she had was half a jar of mustard, and a mysterious Styrofoam box she was to chicken to look inside of.

Her message light was beeping when she walked in the door. She hit the button and left the room to go shed her work clothes and possibly take a hot bath.

“Claudia? This is your father. I was going to send you a thank you note for my birthday gift but I’m old and can’t remember which one your gift was. Humor me and call me in the morning.” she couldn’t help but laugh at that, but stopped abruptly when she couldn’t remember what she gave him either. Huh, maybe Carol knew.

“CJ, this is the president. You know, I never know if I should call myself that or Jed on these contraptions. Oh well, you know who it is. Mrs. Landingham said you wanted to see me for something not work related. She didn’t exactly phrase it as such, but you know. Anyhow, Abbey is going to kill me if I don’t get to the point, so you are officially invited for Saturday morning breakfast at the residence at 8:45. Call whomever you call to confirm that will you? That being that...” she looked at her answering machine trying to decide if she should erase the message, or keep it for posterity. She really shouldn’t have said anything to anyone about her worries of the end of the Bartlet run. She should have kept her big mouth closed.

Instead, she called the white house and made the confirmation. The whole senior staff had had breakfast at the residence before, but she alone hadn’t. She was kind of nervous. And bummed that she had to get up before 10:30. While the bath was running, she thought about calling and canceling. The president would just grill her at a later time, so that wasn’t actually getting out of it. And, she wondered, is it legal to cancel something like an invitation to the white house to have breakfast with the president? What does one wear to such an event? She wondered if she could wear jeans. She wondered if she had anything between a suit and casual clothes, and quickly browsed her closet to check. She didn’t, but could look more later, and took her bath instead.

When her alarm went off at 7:00, she deeply regretted opening her mouth, because she could have still been asleep at that moment, but instead she drug herself out of bed, and looked for a pair of black pants she knew she owned at one time or another. She found them in the back of her closet between two dresses she couldn’t afford and was still paying off. She looked for a sweater set her mother gave her and never wore because it was beige. She felt ridiculous, and looked like she should hop in her SUV and buckle in her 2.5 kids to take them grocery store and then to their various extracurricular activities. Oh well. In her car, she listened to FM radio for the first time in... basically forever. She had no preprogrammed music stations and had to flip through three times before she found something she liked.

She ordered the scrambled eggs and wheat toast, with coffee.

“That’s it?” Abbey asked, with a raised eyebrow.

“Unless you want to put the coffee directly into my bloodstream, I think I’m set.” she said, barely joking. The president was running late, and much to her distain, Abbey had informed her that he was still in the shower.

“I’ll have the French toast and Jed will want the pancakes with bacon and grapefruit juice, and make his coffee decaf because he can’t tell the difference anyway.” Abbey said, with a nod to the waiter. “So, CJ, how are you, besides your job and great personal revelation that you wish to reveal to the president and myself?”

“Well, I’m not due to be awake for another hour and a half, and I deeply regret everything that has put me in this horribly awkward situation. You know... there is something about your face that makes me want to tell you everything I’m thinking, ma’am.”

“I know, my girls hate that. I like to think of it as a gift myself. Ah, Jed, thanks for scheduling us in.” She said, to her husband who had just entered the dining room. CJ stood, but he swatted the idea away.

“Keep your seat, CJ, really.” he leaned over to kiss his wife. “Am I getting the pancakes?”

“Yes. CJ just noticed the thing about my face.”

“Spilled some horrifying secret to my wife, did you?” he asked, laughing. She resisted the urge to bury her face in her napkin and scream.

“Yes sir, many. And I have a feeling that wasn’t the end.” she thanked the waiter who set her breakfast in front of her and held her coffee cup in her hand, half to keep them warm, half to keep the occupied.

“You know, CJ, it’s ok to tell us what your thinking. You aren’t the first one who has approached us this way.” The president said, pouring syrup onto his breakfast.

“I know. I was just thinking that after your term ends, whenever that may be, I have to go back to California. It’s really cold here, and I sort of liked having only three seasons. But what’s going to happen to us? The senior staff, I mean. And why am I even asking you this?” she shrugged. “What I really want is for you to tell me that you’ll continue to do great things in politics and give us a reason to see each other once a year.” she put a bite of eggs in her mouth to stop the flow of incoherent sentences spewing from her mouth.

“See, Jed, I told you CJ was the best one your hired.” Abbey said, smiling. “And you said it was Josh. Hah.”

“Now I’m just offended.” she joked, breaking some of the tension she felt.

“CJ, I’ve often wondered the same thing. You’re going to get a job that gives you the respect you deserve, I can at least make that happen for you. But as for me, I’m going to retire and maybe write a book.” she had to try hard not to laugh, or scoff, or roll her eyes.

“So this was your big personal revelation?” Abbey asked, peeling and orange and dropping the peels on Jed’s plate.

“You share something. It’s hard.” she challenged.

“Ok. Let’s see. Oh! On our third date, I sang Jed “Room is on Fire” or whatever that song is.” she said, smiling at the memory.

“She was a regular Stevie Nicks. ‘The rooms are all on fire, every time that you walk in the room‘.” He sang lovingly at his wife. She chuckled and handed him half of the orange.

“Tell you what. I’ll come up with something better and tell you on Monday.” CJ promised, leaning back and letting the help take her plates.

“I look forward to it.” Abbey said.

“What are you doing with the rest of your day, all gussied up like that?” Jed asked her, for he was still in old jeans and a Notre Dame sweat shirt.

“Since I’m here, I figured I’d do a little work and then go to the grocery store, and maybe home.” she said, dreading her office but knowing she’d be there for at least three hours all the same.

“Oh, come now, no working on your first Saturday off in the better part of a year.” Jed ordered.

“I know. But I could really stand to-”

“I have a job for you. Come with me.” Jed said standing. Abbey followed suit, and CJ, well, had little choice. He hummed Stevie Nicks while Abbey smacked him but laughed all the way to the residence where he walked into the living room and he pulled out a chair for her at a big empty table. “We’ve been planning this for a while, and I’d be delighted if you would help us.”

“Of course, Sir, whatever you need.” He opened a closet and pulled out a large flat box.

“2000 pieces, CJ. Hours and hours of fun.” it was a puzzle and this time she couldn’t resists putting her forehead on the cool table surface and banging it slightly.

“You mean I have to stay and do this too?” Abbey said when he cleared his throat at her discreet attempt at an exit.

“Yes. We’re going to bond with young Claudia Jean, I think we owe it to her in the midst of her personal crises. Abbey, you’ve never turned a patient away before, think of Claudia Jean that way, would you?”

“One, smart ass, I’ve turned away countless patients, and one more wouldn’t hurt. Two, call her CJ for God’s sake, before we both throw up on the carpet. Three, why the hell are we doing a puzzle of the white house?”

“For your information, this is what they had in the gift shop.”

“I’m going home now, Sir. Thank you for a lovely morning.” She headed out the door before they could protest.

“Abigail, you’ve done scared her off.”

“Let the woman go before we both resign.”

When she came in to work on Monday she was only at her desk for about 15 minutes more before heading home when the phone rang. By the time Abbey came in, she had hung up, but her hand was still on the receiver.

“So tell me your big personal revelation CJ.” Abbey ordered with a small smile.

“My father just died.” Abbey hadn’t noticed when she walked in, but CJ was shaking.

“Oh sweetie.”

“I have to go. I have to go to California. I need to call the airport, CAROL!”

“CJ, listen, Jed is going to San Francisco in the morning. Go with him, tomorrow, in air force one. It’s late now. It’s late.” She looked at the first lady and the water in her big eyes threatened to spill over and run eyeliner down her cheeks.

“Yeah. Ok.” Carol stood in the doorway, waiting. “Go home. I’m not going to be in tomorrow, or maybe for a few days, so just go home.”

In the morning, three hours early to get CJ home as soon as possible, air force one took off. She sat curled on her chair, her jeans cutting into various places on her legs from the uncomfortable position.

“Do you need anything, CJ?” the president asked, standing and stretching his short legs. “I’m going into the dining room.”

“Toby will go to New York, after it’s over, and I’ll probably come back to California, and we’ll never see each other. That’s what I’m thinking about. How can that be what I’m thinking about right now? I’m a bad daughter.” she mumbled. Jed looked at her softly, and walked over to her a little unsteadily.

“Claudia Jean Cregg, you are wonderful. And I’m going to miss you more than anybody else.” he leaned over and kissed her forehead before leaving the room through the narrow door. It broke her heart to hear. It broke her heart that when she got home, her daddy wouldn’t be there to near nearly the exact same thing. And it broke her heart that instead of talking about poor Claudia losing her dad, her family will be talking about how CJ Cregg arrived at her father’s funeral in a presidential limo.

Her heart was broken so many times, in so many places, she could barely feel it. And that was the worst of all.

The pilot’s voice came over the speaker and woke her up from her fitful nap. They were landing at the Napa airport in 20 minutes, so she unfolded herself out of the chair and took her bag into the bathroom to put on a black suit and heels that made her almost absurdly tall, like she didn’t manage that by herself. She only bothered trying to put on make-up at a descent because there would be media there, if only local. When she emerged from the bathroom, a flight attendant informed her she would need to sit down for the landing. She sat next down and the president touched her arm slightly, making her jump. She hadn’t noticed him next to her.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to attend, because I would be happy to.”

“I don’t think it’s necessary, sir. It’s a thoughtful gesture, but I think maybe a little overwhelming for my mother.” she gave him a wan smile and he patted the arm and returned it to his rest.

“Ok. Yeah, ok. Sometimes I forget that I have that affect on people.” She didn’t respond and when the wheels hit the ground, she was grateful.

“Hello?” She answered her cell in the parking lot of the funeral home. It was nearly empty, only three cars remained and all of the reporters were gone. Only three papers, and one was the Chronicle. Hopefully, her picture wouldn’t leave the bay area. Her mother walked out of the double doors as soon as she heard Toby say ‘hey.’

“How are you?” he asked, and from the din behind him she could tell he was in his office. She heard a familiar thump.

“Ok. I’m gonna try to come home tomorrow night, or maybe Thursday morning. Tell Leo I’m sorry.”

“Nah, he understands. But did you watch the briefing?”

“No, who did it?”

“Sam. He did ok.”

“Good, good. I’ll call you later, maybe when you get home.” she promised.

“Don’t stay awake that late, CJ. Get some sleep, I can hear it in your voice.”

“I’m just... my mom is standing here watching me, and it makes me uncomfortable. This whole place is making me uncomfortable.”

“Do you want me to come out?”

“Leo would never have it.”

“Forget Leo, do you need me?”

“Yeah. But I’ll get over it. I’ll come home tomorrow. Will you meet me at the airport?”

“Yeah, call me later, ok?” she said yes and ended the connection.

“You’re calling Washington home now, Claudia?” Her mother was behind her now, unlocking the car door.

“I’ll drive. And it’s where I live, mom.”

“I always thought you’d come back to California when Mr. Bartlet was finished in the white house.”

“I’m thinking of staying in the east.” she told her mother, “Maybe I’ll try New York after D.C.”

“New York? Oh Claudia...”

“You know, I’ve never been to a Yankee’s game.”

The End.

10:22 p.m. - 2002-01-11

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