claudiajean's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- california- WW She needed things to go back to normal, before Danny gave her a goldfish, before the president had MS, before Joshua hit the pavement with a thud. She needed to go back to when the only time her vision was fuzzy was when she had no glasses on, before there was a dull ache in her teeth and her toes. Josh was up against the wall behind his door almost all the time now. People had finally learned to stop throwing his door open two bloody noses later, and now his was the only office door that was ever knocked on. He couldn’t relax, his nerves were on end, and it bothered everyone to see him. It bothered Leo that he wasn’t getting any work done. At this point, everything was bothering Leo. He was short tempered and impatient. He kept ranting about falling off the wagon so his head didn’t explode. It made everyone nervous, and he never assured them he was joking. Sam was afraid; he couldn’t look at Josh without feeling guilty and Toby spoke to him in shouts. He wasn’t speaking up, and it was hard for CJ to be his first line when he wouldn’t open his mouth to tell her anything. She could handle Toby, and that was a relief. If she didn’t have Toby, she might just tie a rock around her belly and hurl herself in to the Potomac. Toby was the warm center she orbited around, and that disturbed her. She didn’t like relying on anyone too much. Lately, though, she found herself doing it more and more. When the press asked her questions, she had to look at her notes, the same notes she had read only three minutes ago. She mixed up letters in acronyms, she lost her glasses when they were on her head. She parked on the wrong side of the white house. Donna called to see if she could get a ride to work, and CJ completely forgot to get her. She went to go find the first lady when her headaches wouldn’t go away. She called over to Abigail Bartlet’s office and asked for five minutes, but her assistant informed her that the first lady was is the residence for the day. It was rare, to say the least, for the first lady to spend the day out of the office but CJ knew she was leaving tomorrow or the next day for the Midwest. “Can you forward my call?” CJ asked, and not without a sigh, the woman on the other line did it. She almost hung up when it was ringing, but the first lady picked up with an almost friendly hello. “Ma’am, this is CJ. “ “Oh, hello CJ, what can I do for you?” “ Ummm……I…I was wondering if I could have a favor.” she found herself saying. “Well, that would depend on the favor now, wouldn’t it.” she was trying her best to be pleasant, CJ could tell, but she had expected to pick up the phone and hear her husband’s voice on the other end of the line. “I- I think I’m sick. I need a Doctor, but I’ve been so busy that I don’t have the time... and now I’m at the point where I have even less time because it’s become so difficult to get the work done that I’ve run out of time, and I think Leo is starting to notice and I don’t need him on my back-” “CJ, CJ, take a deep breath and come on up. I’ll take a look at you.” The older woman had cut her off, with a gentle voice. It seemed like CJ couldn’t stop talking, her voice was in beat with the pounding in her skull. “Thank you.” she slammed the phone down with a force that came from nowhere. She felt like the sky was falling in heavy blocks all around her, leaving stinging patches on her skin where they grazed. She had trouble standing up and when she saw Toby in the hallway, his lips were moving but no sound was coming out. “Come with me to the residence.” she might have cut off whatever he was trying to say, he looked a little confused, but she couldn’t be sure. He took her arm and when she was walking crooked, he held her up while she paused, leaving her high heels in the hallway behind them. Toby looked back at the shoes with interest, but CJ didn’t slow down. She was trying very hard to focus on finding the right double doors to go through to get to Abbey. Somehow, she felt that if she could get to the residence now, she might turn out alright in the end. *** “CJ, you gave me this memo, but I don’t know what for. Yesterday, you handed me a folder which was very clearly labeled, in your handwriting, JOSH LYMA-” “Come with me to the residence.” “Why are you going... hey, are you ok?” Toby wasn’t actually sure why CJ was headed to the residence, but he kept her heading in that direction of for no other reason then to make sure the First Lady checked her out. He kept talking, but was pretty sure that she didn’t hear him, she couldn’t hardly keep her own weight up and she was muttering to herself, and slipping in her stockings on the rug. Finally he just picked her up, over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and went as fast as he could. “Mrs. Bartlet!” He called as she opened the French doors to her bedroom where she had been waiting. “What happened?” she called rushing him in and pointing to the bed where he deposited her. CJ’s eyes had gone to a faraway place, and her lips had formed a slight smile. Then, as if someone picked up a dry twig and snapped it in their fingers, something in her body snapped. With a twitch her she went limp and for Toby, things began happening in slow motion, he vaguely heard the first lady calling for an ambulance and pushing him aside. Later, he would make out some words and phrases, such as ‘pressure on her brain’ and ‘stress’ and ‘paralyze.’ but it wouldn’t mean anything to him until she woke up in a hospital bed with the sheets tucked into the sides, holding her there. He was sitting there when he heard her mutter, “Where am I?….Why can’t I? Where are my legs?” and she struggled to open her eyes. He didn’t have an answer besides the obvious one, which he knew wouldn’t suit such a question asked. Instead he hit the button for the nurse several times in a row, making her disgruntled when she came. The doctor was an idiot, a fact Toby had picked up on right away. ‘We don’t know what causes conditions like Ms. Cregg’s’ the fresh out of medical school doctor had said. ‘The paralyses can be permanent or temporary, each case is unique.’ Toby had asked him in a not so polite tone what the hell they paid him for, and was calmed only by CJ herself who was calmly asking questions and squeezing Toby’s hand when he started to say anything. But even she was running out of patients when he asked her if her job was stressful. By the end of her second week in the hospital, she had two physical therapy sessions a day and was going stir crazy. A nurse would wheel her to the physical therapy room and she would learn to walk. It wasn’t as bad as it could be, she reminded herself of that fact daily. Her muscles were still strong which was why she was recovering so quickly. All she had to do was keep telling her legs to do what she wanted. It got easier with every session and the only thing that held her back was pure physical exhaustion. *** It seemed to her that she had more hope than the rest of the senior staff combined. She could tell they wanted to get her a chair and do what she said whenever they came to visit. But she had to work so hard already, that assuring them unnecessarily drained energy she needed. She had gotten the feeling back in her legs after only a few days, which was a miracle, because as her mother had reminded her on more than one occasion, tall women had a god given gift and should sit as little as possible. It was the learning to walk again that, as Sam and Josh put it, “sucked”; She was determined to succeed because she was tired of seeing her self on the television. Seeing herself rolled in and out of an ambulance, with both Toby and the first lady stumbling out after her and her naked feet hanging off the end of the stretcher. She could remember the night that it had happened, her mother being there, touching her forehead with soft skin and cool fingers but when she had asked about it and where her mother was, Toby had told her it was Abbey who had stayed with her through the first night, not her mother. So after just a day or two, she turned off the TV and those horrible images of herself being wheeled into GW from the ambulance and spent eight very determined hours trying to wiggle her toes. Once she could do that, the rest came back. Now she was using those crutches that wrapped around her arms, but she wasn’t allowed to come back to work. Leo wouldn’t hear of it, no matter how bored she was. “I need the overtime, I need... I don’t know, I can’t afford to be sick anymore, Leo, and I’m afraid of what that means. I’m afraid that I can’t work for the government anymore if I have to keep going to physical therapy.” She knew what she was saying and that she’d probably never leave, but she would sell her car, and move out of Georgetown, go live in a one bedroom in Virginia and have to commute some way to work just to keep working at the Whitehouse, because she knew she couldn’t afford to stay where she was without a paycheck. “You’ll come back when you’re better and that is not now.” Leo said, barely looking up. Instead of letting her go out of her mind doing nothing, Leo had a little work sent to her apartment and paid her overtime for doing it. It was enough, and she knew it would become one of those things they never talked about. When she could walk with only a cane, she came back to work for only work hours, and left before the sun went down, like most of America. Except, at this office, she was leaving hours before everyone else, so she missed a lot. Reporters were happy to have her back at the briefings. That task had rotated between Leo, Toby, Sam, and even Donna was thrust out there once, long enough to say ’I have no idea,’ twice before Toby came and finished the briefing. “Toby, as much as we love this Russian roulette, do we have a date on when CJ is going to be back?” Toby had struggled for an appropriate response, as he had to do every time he was pushed in front of the camera. Instead of the customary white house response of ’The doctors have not cleared her yet, and we’ll inform you when they do,’ he spoke from his heart. “She’ll be back when she is better, and that’s not right now. Thank you.” Toby said, staring right into the camera. *** When CJ came back and did her first briefing, he thought everyone in the press room would weep for joy. Not just because she was back, but, because they didn’t have to deal with Toby, Josh, Donna, or God forbid Sam any longer. CJ was tired by the end of it though, and Toby sent Sam and Josh out to help her back to her office. They did so without complaint, everyone was pulling together for CJ. And though she tried to hide it, Toby could tell CJ was being pulled apart inside. Toby, and everyone else who came in contact with her on a daily basis, knew CJ could be a scary person. But from where he was standing, she was an open book. She didn’t have the same passion as before, and it hurt the whole team seeing CJ this way. Toby was the one who stopped by the hospital to visit her everyday, bring her work, sneak her in Mrs. Landingham’s cookies, and just talk to her. He figured after this, he might as well figure out what was wrong with her. And he’d even do it with flare. “What is it?” he asked, bursting into to her office one day. She was reading reports, stretched out on the sofa, her glasses sliding down her nose. “You’ll have to specify which “it” you are referring to, Toby, and then I can more efficiently answer that question.” She said, looking over the rims. “I’m not really sure myself. I, uh, I want you to talk to me.” Toby thought about his next words for a minute and decided to just let the shit hit the fan. “Your therapist says you aren’t talking.” He took a deep breath and waited for the worst. And she should have been furious at him for checking up on her, but instead, her shoulders sagged and she shook her head. “I just don’t have anything to say.” It was bullshit, they both knew. “Come on. You had a brain aneurysm because you got to stressed out. You were so busy that your brain had to pop in order for you to slow down and you have nothing to say about that?” he bellowed and he could see Donna cringe as she walked by, through the window. “Technically, it wasn’t an aneurysm. Aneurisms are caused by disease or injury, neither of which I had.” she said, dodging the question. “Then what was it?” “I don’t know.” CJ admitted. “Then how do we know it won’t happen again?” he didn’t know why he was pushing her like this... okay, maybe he did. Maybe he wanted to pull and push her enough that she split and spilled every last thought and fear she was holding inside. Maybe he wanted her to get so angry that she said what was on her mind. Usually, he was pretty good at that with her, but now she was so closed off that even he had to get over wall after wall. “We don't know it won’t happen again.” she said, sitting up, and reaching for her cane. “What if... What if it happens again and you don’t get the feeling in your legs back inside a week? What if your whole body is paralyzed? What if-” she cut him off. “What if I die? Well, then I don’t have to worry about paying my rent or my job or getting to my appointments on time with out falling down, or... wait a minute, this is exactly what you want isn’t it?” She hung her head and looked at him. “You’re twisted.” “We, I, just want to help you get your life back to normal.” She closed her eyes. Toby waited with patience she knew he didn’t have. “Oh make me feel good rock and roll band, I‘m your biggest fan.” she said, her eyes opening and she swallowed hard. Toby knew the song. ‘California’ was probably the greatest state anthem ever written. “CJ?” “That was my favorite line. Joni Mitchell always did make me feel good like that, you know? When I was in the hospital, Abbey sang it to me. I thought it was my mother. How does the first lady know my favorite song, Toby?” “I don’t know.” He thought her favorite song was Stevie Nicks’ version of ‘Free Fallin’, truthfully. “I think…..I think I was trying so hard to make everything right again. Before Josh got shot. Before the president was sick, before you were so sad, I was trying so hard to make it right that I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating... I think my body just found away to give it up. I know now, that it will never like it was in the beginning. We could be out of here any minute. He has maybe a year left if he doesn’t run again, and the first lady does not want him to run. What’s going to happen then?” he carefully lifted her legs, sat down and rested them on his lap, rubbing them where he knew they would be sore from exercise. “I can’t tell you. But really, is it so bad now? We’ve all come out on the other side relatively clean. And better people for it.” They both turned when there was a knock on the door, expecting who ever it was to barge right on in, but when they didn’t, CJ shrugged and called out, “Come in?” It was the president, and even CJ started to stand, but he held out a hand. “Sit, please. I just wanted to come by and see how my favorite staff member is doing.” he said. “I’m fine.” Sam said, pausing to stick his head through the open door. Toby glared at him and he shot back quick grin before departed with little grace, slamming his elbow into the doorframe. “Maybe I’ll go check on the children.” Toby said, standing carefully. He leaned over and kissed CJ’s cheek, hoping the kind words of Jed Bartlet would finish what he started. *** She liked to think she was generally at ease with the president; she saw him everyday and didn’t fear him at all. He was a big stuffed animal and very protective over CJ. It was Ainsley that had the problem, but now when she was laying on a sofa and he was actually seeming taller than her, she found her hands were shaking ever so slightly. “What can I do you for, Sir?” CJ asked, pulling her legs into a sitting position. He sat next to her with a sigh. “I don’t know. I heard Toby yelling, and I wanted to make sure you’re ok. I came to visit you in the hospital with Abbey, it really made the secret service men angry. Unless I’m here, or on Air Force One, I make their life a living hell.” he chuckled. She noticed, maybe not for the first time, that he really was a bumbling old Econ professor with out a pre-written speech and a large crowd. “Thank you, Sir. Can I ask you a question?” he nodded, watching Gail swim circles. CJ was suddenly overwhelmingly jealous of the fish. “Are you running for a second term?” He looked at her and down at her legs, then back up at her face. “I’m going to try.” She nodded with a little relief and he looked back at the fish. “I think that maybe, I’ll stick around for that, if you’ll let me.” CJ said, her voice breaking. “I’d like that.” He took her hand, and kissed it. She didn’t know what to do next, so she hummed a few more bars of ‘California’ before he left and she knew he knew what she was talking about. When he left, she stood up to go find Toby. end 9:39 p.m. - 2001-08-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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